Living with housemates means there's the possibility that, at some point, you might develop feelings for someone you live with…
To help you navigate being in a relationship with your housemate, we've put together this guide on the the dos and don'ts of 'flatcest'.
–
What is 'flatcest'?
To put it bluntly, 'flatcest' is when you get it on with a uni housemate or flatmate. According to Google Trends, the term first started being used around 2020 and has picked up in popularity since.
Although plenty of people will tell you that ‘flatcest’ is an absolute no, sometimes it just can’t be helped. When you’re living together, close friendships can quickly slide into something more, and before you know it, you’re confessing your feelings in the communal living room.
If you’ve fallen for a housemate or flatmate, here are some popular dos and don’ts so things don’t get awkward.
The dos and don'ts of 'flatcest':
✅ Do talk about it
If you’ve developed romantic feelings for your housemate, or something’s happened between the two of you on a recent night out, it’s best to clear the air as soon as possible. Although it might be tempting to tiptoe around the house, trying to avoid them for as long as possible will make it way more awkward when you finally run into each other!
Instead, try to act like adults and talk about what’s happened. Be honest about your feelings and decide what will happen going forward. Is it best that you stay friends and ignore the feelings? Are you going to try dating? Or do you just want to wait it out and see what happens?
✅ Do set boundaries
Whether you decide to try a relationship or just keep things casual, it’s essential to set some boundaries. This will make sure you're both on the same page.
Think about how much time you want to spend with each other. Will you stay over in each other’s rooms? When will you tell your friends and other housemates about what’s going on? Having an honest chat as soon as possible will avoid complicating feelings later on.
✅ Do have a plan if things go wrong
Before you get too wrapped up in a potential relationship, make sure you have an exit strategy. Be honest with yourself about what will happen if it all falls apart. Will you be able to keep living with this person, or will it be too hard?
Most student housing contracts can be tricky to get out of – your landlord will likely require that you find a replacement housemate, and you’ll still have to find alternative housing for the rest of the academic year. It’s essential that you think about your living situation if things go wrong before you get carried away with your housemate romance.
✅ Do get out of the house
Flatcest means that you might end up spending a lot of time together at home. Although cooking and spending the night watching Netflix is easier (and cheaper), going out on actual dates will help you feel like a ‘real’ couple.
Getting out of the house, whether it’s for dinner, the cinema, or just a walk in the park, will also help you get some privacy from the rest of your housemates. Plus, they’ll probably thank you – especially if you’ve been monopolising the living room sofa for your Netflix dates!
You could discover date spots in Bristol or Valentine's Day ideas for Leeds to get started.
✅ Do respect your other housemates
Although it’s easy to get wrapped up in your new relationship, don’t forget about the rest of your housemates. Make sure they’re comfortable with the situation and be as honest as possible with them about what’s happening. The last thing you want is to make them feel uncomfortable in their own home.
If you’re close friends with your other housemates, you’ll probably end up spending less time with them than you used to. Try setting aside nights where you hang out with just them, or make an effort to do things with them outside the house. Otherwise, you might find that you quickly start to drift apart!
🚫 Don’t rush into anything
Make sure you’re aware of your own reasons for your romantic feelings – maybe you’ve just broken up with a long-term partner and are feeling lonely, or do you struggle with anxiety, and your housemate is one of the only people you feel comfortable around? Consider whether getting into a relationship is really the best decision before you rush into anything.
🚫 Don't spend every waking moment together
Getting into a relationship with your housemate means you’ll be spending a lot of time together. However, it’s essential that you make time for yourself and your friends too. Just because you live together, doesn’t mean you should spend every second hanging out in each other’s rooms – and try to sleep apart, at least some of the time.
In a ‘normal’ relationship, you typically wouldn’t even think about moving in together until you’ve been together for several months or even years. Flatcest relationships often move super-fast because you essentially go from friends, to living together overnight. Remember that you don’t need to spend every minute together. Planning time apart is a great way to slow things down and means the relationship is more likely to last!
Personal flatcest experiences
What better way to get advice on flatcest than by listening to real student stories! We asked our Content Ambassadors what they thought about flatcest...
Our Canterbury CA Monica said that her experience of flatcest was "good at first", but notes that "being around each other so much can also become a downside. When you live together, you can end up spending almost all your time in each other’s space, which can sometimes feel like too much. It’s also harder to get that separation that you would normally have in a relationship because you’re constantly seeing each other at home. At first, this wasn’t really an issue for me, but over time I realised how much being in the same environment can affect things." She recommends that "people should seriously think about the potential awkwardness before getting involved with someone they live with."
To follow, our Portsmouth CA Karishma experienced a three-year relationship out of flatcest. She says, "Flatcest taught me what happens when you live on top of someone you’re trying to love whilst growing up in a new city. There is no mystery when you know exactly what they ate for dinner, how long they have been in the shower and whose turn it is to buy dish soap. Sometimes, you do not need relationship counselling; you simply need to sit in a room without seeing the person you have been arguing with in the kitchen, with you wearing the T-shirt they wore yesterday. You just need enough space to realise that they are not the right person for you."
On breaking up, she described it as "the kind of awkwardness that made me reconsider my route in the library to avoid him... Creating a life at university without him felt like spring air: refreshing, exciting, and full of change. I found new people, new routines, and the possibility of becoming someone I might never have met if I had stayed emotionally parked outside his bedroom door."
Bristol CA Evie says, "I personally have ‘committed flatcest’ and, without getting too personal, it’s led to its fair share of troubles in my personal life and within my first-year accommodation. It wasn’t disastrous, luckily, but it could’ve been done without. Some great friends of mine now look back with regret at what put a spanner in our relationship that really wasn’t needed. Even if it goes well at first, there’s nothing that puts more pressure on a relationship than jumping straight from getting to know each other to the domestic living-together stage."
On reflecting, Evie's advice is to "look outside your flat for romance, and if you find yourself particularly drawn to someone you live with, make sure you don’t live with them next year and then give it a shot. Not only does this make it a lot easier if it doesn’t work out, but it also takes pressure off the relationship and reduces the intensity so you can ease into the relationship in your own time."
To round things up, our National CA Sophie has been a witness to flatcest, highlighting her own experiences at the University of Sheffield: "I had two housemates who were in a continuous will they/won’t they dynamic - a flatcest gone wrong - that came to define their relationship with each other and all of us for the two years we were all living together! From minor spats to a full-on war, with each of us drafted in to pick a side, they were not the ones to let things go! They may not have seen eye-to-eye in the end, but with a little bit of patience, common ground and understanding, you’ll be able to get through any challenge (just don’t do flatcest…)."
Make shared living simpler with all-inclusive student properties
Getting involved with a housemate can make shared living difficult to navigate, especially when you also have to deal with splitting household bills and making sure everyone pays on time. To keep things simple, why not opt for all-inclusive student accommodation for the next academic year?
UniHomes has an extensive landlord and letting agent network with all-inclusive student properties in cities across the UK. We can’t guarantee you won’t have to worry about catching feelings for one of your housemates, but at least your utility bills will be sorted!
Start the search for your perfect student home today.